As millions of Americans hit the road this week, faces lit by the golden glow of the early morning sun cresting the horizon, filled with Thanksgiving anticipation, I feel that it may warrant a moments consideration as to what we have to be thankful for, and mindful of where in the hell are we going, weren’t we supposed to stay left for 3.8 miles merging onto south highway 86, becoming I86 East at the interchange? I can’t possibly be expected to read a map printed in a font the size of fly excrement and drive at the same time. How in the name of Myles Standish am I supposed to find my way to grandmas house? Not to mention the pitfalls that await me there when and if I do arrive. Will my butternut squash pie get there in one piece? Will it have been the right choice? Will it be considered an insult that I didn’t call ahead to check what pie Aunt Mary is bringing. Will grandma’s sump pump be able to withstand the strain of 15 house guests and all that flushing? Will I have too much to drink and swear at the dinner table? So many questions, so much pressure, and I think I just missed my exit. Now what am I supposed to do?
It’s at times like these that the holiday traveler needs more than a map, more than a GPS, more than a road tested co-pilot with a non-judgemental attitude and a working knowledge of international road signs and symbols. What you need is an all seeing, disembodied eyeball dashboard wiggler. There is so much more to navigating the major family holidays than merely arriving. Don’t you deserve some insight? Haven’t you earned it? Isn’t being prepared synonymous with being a better you? And after all, the purchase of the all seeing eye dashboard wiggler at $8.22 is a small price to pay for the knowledge of exactly when to time your departure from Grandma’s little piece of heaven, allowing you to leave before the septic backs up, and saving your best dress shoes from sinking into the muck on your way back to the car. Make your family holiday experience genial with practical, mystical, prediction, modern American living made better through augury, portent and down right divination.
The Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler for your purchasing pleasure at the Erie Art Museum Gift Shop.*k.d.
The Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler $8.22 at the Erie Art Museum Gift Shop
special member discounts apply to all your Gift Shop purchases
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